How You Remind Me
by SaiNanWorks
Summary: Duo's kids talk him into becoming a famous rock-star, and who is he to say no to that? While writing his first song, his thoughts wander off to the past. (Yaoi, 2+1, pregnant Heero, Duo POV, TWT)


Autor: My-Chan  
Title: How you remind me  
Archiv: yes! but please email me first   
Feedback: appreciated! mail to my-chan@gmx.de or submit reviews ^-^  
Pairing: 2+1  
Warnings:  
written by me  
Shounen-ai  
reference to: - rape (only in thoughts about past)  
- pregnant Heero (if you don't like that, don't read)  
- Woke up this morning (kinda related to this ficcy)  
Duo POV  
Rating: PG-13  
Disclaimer: i don't own the boys, but could someone at least ask them to stay after dinner? or chain them to a chair? ^^; neither do I own the song which is property of nickelback  
Dedicated to: Presser my beta-pet ^^  
  
  
  
  
I am sitting at my desk watching the birds bathing in the sun. I lost myself in thoughts again, although I have something to do. Something 'important'.  
A chuckle escapes my throat as I think about how I'd gotten myself into this. My daughter is the cause of the trouble. Our daughter.  
  
"I am 16 years old and I want a cool dad!", she said. I just looked at her, quite surprised. "I'll leave the choice to you, daddy. Whether you become a famous rock star, or an actor. I don't care. I just want you to be cool and my friends to be jealous!"  
  
All I was able to do was stare at her dumbfounded and feeling my jaw dropping. Hearing you chuckle behind me made me realize that you'd been watching us. She turns around and smiles her smile of victory, which is so much like yours, and that violet sparkle appears in her eyes, which is kind of the only proof that she isn't the daughter of you and an angel you've betrayed me with.  
  
Just the second I gain control over my mouth again and open it to protest, her little brother Solo steps in, taking advantage of the situation to team up with his older sister.   
  
"Yeah Joe's right, Dad. That would be soooooo cool!"  
  
And together they throw their best puppy eye looks at me and I am completely lost.  
I can handle one of them at a time, plus my cat Shinigami, who happens to have the same look, but I cannot, and never could (and never will be able to) take both of them looking at me like that, at the same time.  
  
I send a help-seeking glance to you, but you just shrug and the typical that's not my problem Duo, grin appears on your usually stoic face. Easily defeated I finally accept my destiny of having once again lost to my children's demands.  
  
That's another thing they got from their "mother". Must be, because I happen to lose against him too… always.  
  
Now I sit here, in my little private room upstairs. I've decided to become a rock star. At least this isn't impossible for me, for my voice doesn't sound that bad and I can handle instruments quite well and am a quick learner.   
  
Anybody can tell that acting wouldn't be the right thing for me. I can't even lie; how am I supposed to act properly?  
  
But I can sing. At least Heero told me so, and my kids enjoy listening to me. I even managed to lull my never tired children to sleep when they where younger, and that really means something.  
  
Again my thoughts wander off to the past. My past, which seems like centuries away from now. My past on L2, where I struggled to survive.  
Where I did everything to break the circle of sorrow and pain, everything to break free. Stealing, robbing, using my wits and fast mind to trick. I even kept the money someone gave me, after he took me, because my friends were ill, and we needed the money. I wish I could have burned it....  
  
Slowly I lower my pen to the paper, not really aware of what I'm writing.  
  
  
**Never made it as a wise man  
Couldn't cut it as a poor man stealin'**  
  
  
I remember the time of the war. Remember how much you were able to affect me back then, although you didn't really do anything for it. You were so cold back then. So perfect. And yet. That was what attracted me to you. I wanted to break that stoic mask. I wanted to see what's underneath. It was more like a mission back then. My little personal mission, to call me back when I got too lost in all the killing.   
  
You've been my anchor in this world, without even knowing it. And I was so selfish back then. I tried anything to break that mask off your face, without even caring how you'd feel without it. I didn't care. I just needed you to keep me from going insane.  
  
But when I saw you self-detonating, saw how you died, something inside me broke, and I realized. I realized that I've never really seen you before. I was blind. Even when I looked in the mirror, which I hardly did, 'cause I was afraid of my own reflection, I didn't see the shimmer in my eyes which would have told me…  
  
  
**Tired of livin' like a blind man  
I'm sick of sight without a sense of feeling**  
  
  
The day you died, I started to see you. And I started to feel. I loved you. I just never noticed, cause my heart was too cold to tell me. And my eyes have been clouded with the shades of killing.   
  
But then, when I saw you falling to the ground my blood ran hot. I got mad, so awfully mad. Mad at myself, mad at you, mad at Zechs. Just mad, at anything. My whole body burned and I was so full of hatred and despair, that I started screaming. It killed me inside, and yet I felt more alive than I ever have before. I loved you. But I realized too late.  
  
The days went by, without any trace of you. Somehow I couldn't allow myself to believe that you were dead. My heart rejected the thought, like it rejected anything else as well. And it was right. You retuned with full power, about one month later. It all kinda went back to normal. You didn't show any of your feelings towards me, if you even had some. And I carefully hid my love from you. And then... one day... you smiled for me, and I felt like dying again.  
  
  
**This is how you remind me  
This is how you remind me of what I really am**  
  
  
This day, it was still in the middle of the war, I just grabbed you, pulled you close to me and kissed you wholeheartedly. After backing away you just looked at me, your face emotionless as always. Tilting your head slightly you finally spoke up.  
  
"Go out and find a woman, if you're that needy Duo."  
  
I felt a cold hand reaching out for my heart, closing around it and slowly giving pressure, chocking me. Quickly I turned around, when I felt tears welling up in my eyes. How could I ever have thought you could have feelings for me? We're both boys after all, now aren't we? I just walked out the room in silence, trying to keep the tears from streaming down my face. Hurt, I felt so hurt.  
  
Until now I don't know if you even noticed what you did to me that day. But I never expected an apology from you, it was my own fault.  
  
  
**It's not like you to say sorry, I was waiting on a different story  
This time I'm mistaken for handing you a heart worth breaking  
**   
  
After you stabbed me with your words back then, I simply walked away. I turned my back to you and left, shoved all the feelings I ever had back down, in the depths of my soul, locked them up. I swore to myself I'd never let them out again.   
  
How could I be so wrong? This smile you gave me, didn't it mean anything to you? That day, I did something horribly stupid, but I didn't care back then. Instead of walking straight back to my hiding place, I went to a pub. I wanted to forget. I need to cut off. And I did. I got so awfully drunk that I didn't even remember how I got home.   
  
  
**I've been wrong, I've been down, been to the bottom of every bottle  
These five words in my head scream "are we havin' fun yet?"  
**   
  
The next day I dared to look at my face in the mirror. I saw so much pain in my eyes that it made me back away. I was broken. And then... I started laughing. I laughed at me, for being this stupid, for being so foolish. Whoever was as stupid as me? Falling in love with a cold-hearted killing machine, in the middle of the war. I must have gone crazy already.  
  
I took the razor blade from the drawer and set it on my arm. Not for the means of killing myself. No. The cut I made wasn't deep, yet it was bleeding. And the blood flooding down washed away my love for you. That's what I told myself. I lied. But with that lie, it didn't hurt as much. And slowly my heart grew colder, the walls built up, and I felt somewhat safe again.  
  
A few months later, the most horrible thing I could ever imagine happened. I had to live with you. To end the war, it was necessary that we teamed up, worked together and therefore lived together. I bottled up everything inside me, not wanting to show any weaknesses around you. Another of those emotionless comments from you about my condition would have killed me for sure.  
  
Then the war was over and we still lived together. I don't know why, but I couldn't just pack my things and go, cause you didn't do the same. Was there still hope? I didn't dare to hope, but something deep inside me did, nevertheless.  
  
And you... you began to change. You became human. And I started to realize that you didn't want to hurt me back then. You just didn't know any better. Nobody ever told you what feelings are. Soldiers didn't need them. But then, you changed into an ordinary boy. A boy who learned what feelings are.  
  
After the war was over, my nightmares returned with full power. So many nights I woke up, screaming. And whenever that happened it didn't take long for you to be at my side, hugging me, comforting me. I started to realize that you did care. The friendship I gave you made you learn, and you dared to try yourself. You gave back what I've given you. You cared.  
  
The hope soon grew stronger, I dared to hope again, like you dared caring. Opening up my heart I taught you more. Taught you the real means of friendship, though I never knew if you understood. But I tried my best you give you an idea of what it was like. And it felt good. Still I didn't allow myself to open my heart fully. I was afraid.  
  
I was right. A few weeks later I was confronted with my past once again. I visited the grave of my loved ones, and the bottled up hate, despair and rage took over me. I was lost in these feelings, and I knew I couldn't allow myself to love you or let you love me. But it seemed like you just didn't care. You showed me your feelings, showed me that it did matter that I had these feelings sometimes, and that they made me fall.  
You were there, and you caught me. And that was all that mattered. I love you.  
  
Then you got pregnant. And I felt so stupid. How can men get pregnant? Dr. J knew. I don't know if he expected something like that to happen, but he wasn't really surprised. All these countless experiments he made with you changed your body. Whatever it may look like inside you, I know for sure, you can get pregnant.  
  
I wanted to keep the child, but it was your decision, and I would have understood if you chose abortion. Your eyes almost widened in horror. The thought of killing the innocent life inside you made your heart throb painfully. Shaking your head you whispered "no" and I couldn't resist kissing you reassuringly. Whatever you'd chose, I'd respect and support it.  
  
About one month, once again, all I could say to you was "I love you" when you threatened to kill me. The idea of having a child with you was wonderful to me. Of course I felt sorry for you. For what you had to go through. But I love you, and I would do anything for you. Even if you killed me.  
  
  
**It's not like you didn't know that  
I said I love you and I swear I still do  
**   
  
There were times when you didn't believe me. When the pain was overwhelming and you were just mad. One second you drove to kill me, and the next you laid in my arms, crying. It was hard for me, yes. But it was the price I had to pay. And I didn't mind. I love you.  
  
We both knew that besides all of the pain you went through while the pregnancy, the worst part was still to come. The birth. To quote Dr. J, the sadistic bastard: "It'll come out the way it got in."  
Yeah, bite me, old man. I never liked you, and now I know why.  
  
The day came and I didn't leave your side. Even when you started yelling at me, and throwing things. I just dodged them, said nothing and stayed. The pain increased and I was as near as I could be, holding your hand, trying to help you, although I knew I couldn't really.   
  
When our daughter was born, the pain nearly drove you insane and you clutched my arm with all your power, crushing the bone and nearly ripping my arm apart. I tried to be strong, didn't show my own pain, and I hid my arm from you as you finally managed to open up your eyes again, exhausted as you were. Only after I made sure you're okay, and sleeping peacefully, I allowed myself to black out.  
  
  
**And it must have been so bad  
Cause livin' with me must have damn near killed you**  
  
  
Quatre who'd been there with me, made sure I was taken care of. I woke up a few hours later, my whole body hurt, but I didn't care. For you I would bear any pain. As long as you loved me, I didn't care about my well-being. But after that horrible night... I feared you didn't love me anymore... feared the pain drove you away from me.  
  
The blond Arabian reassured me that he still felt love from you though, and I calmed down a little. Then he told me that he taped the birth of my daughter, and watching the video I saw that you could see how you broke my arm on it. I asked Quatre never to show it to you, for I didn't want you to feel bad about it. Since I was the cause for this pain, it was your right to live it out on me. For me it was justice.  
  
Seven years later you got pregnant again. We were both been drunk, came home from a party, and I was hungry... mostly hungry for you. I ravished you on the kitchen table, and although I remembered to use protection I was careless, and the condom got damaged.   
  
  
About two months later I recognized a change in your behaviour, and it was alarming familiar. The hard times started again, but yet again, I didn't mind. And again, you let me live. And I knew I was lucky to have you. More than that.   
  
  
**This is how you remind me of what I really am**  
  
  
You bore all this pain, because you loved me. And you didn't kill me for the same reason, although I would have deserved it. But you didn't, because for you I am everything.  
  
Giving birth to Solo took more power from you than you had, and you almost died. I was at your side all the time, I gave you my blood, talked to you, cried and cursed me for hurting you like this. Cursed me for what I did to you, for almost killing you.  
  
But you didn't give up. You fought against your death like the soldier you once were, fought it and won. A few days later you woke up. I sat next to your bed, holding Solo in my arms. First you looked at him, for a long, long time, then your gaze wandered higher and you looked straight into my eyes.... And you smiled.  
  
At this sight, I couldn't keep the tears from streaming down my face. I just couldn't. "I love you", you whispered lovingly, causing the salty drops to fall even faster.  
  
  
**This is how you remind me of what I really am**  
  
  
"Your reason to live", I whisper and wipe the tear from the corner of my eye. Taking a deep breath I sigh and glance out at the window once more, before I look down on my pad to read what I just wrote.  
  
With a satisfied smile I nod. This will do for my first song. The melody already ghosts around in my head, so I take a sheet of music paper and write it down as well. A few minutes later I'm finished and nod once more in approval.  
  
I've already called an agency and an appointment with a manager. He promised he would organize some musicians by today. He's going to listen to my voice and the song I just wrote. It's easier this way, than finding musicians myself, rent a studio and record a demo-tape. It's quite handy to be a rich and famous man.  
  
Shaking my head I chuckle. No, for our children it's not enough that we're war heroes. They want their dad to be cool. Honour doesn't count much these days, it seems. Only coolness, fame and... well... money. Not that we don't have enough of that - you're not a hacker for nothing, now aren't you? - but hey... if my children want me to be a famous rock star... who am I to say no?  
  
Chuckling once again I grab my guitar and pad and sneak downstairs. You're in your room upstairs as well, torturing your keyboard, as always. Soundlessly I walk out the house, get in my car and drive off to the agency.  
  
TBC... 


End file.
